Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
3D = Turd Camoflage
Coinciding with Avaturd day yesterday, major movie studios are announcing that pretty much every movie being released within the next year is going to be in 3D. Which is not a good sign. In fact it's a terrible sign.
But you ask "Isn't 3D a cool way to watch a movie?"
To which I would answer "Well only if it was done well and added to the movie going experience".
Then some oaf would say "Oh, like it did in Avatar?" which would then cause me to kick them in the head for implying that anything involving Avatar was in anyway a good movie going experience.
Avatar is the sole reason for this 3D renaissance and in no way is that a good thing. I'm not going to turn this into a n Avatar review, just simply say that Avatar is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I would have gotten up and walked out on it but even that's hard to do when you've already payed $13 to see the damn movie. In short, the story was crap, the dialogue was crap, the characters were crap, the acting was crap and the so called state of the art 3D imagery was over priced crap.
Anyways, where was I going with this?
Something about Earth Day?
No, nobody really gives a crap about Earth day.
Oh yeah 3D movies. yeah, um...
So Hollywood looks at the polished turd that is Avatar with grat interest because even though there's a saying about a polished turd is still just a turd, that obviously doesn't apply to the world of movies. James Cameron took his turd of a movie polished it up with some fancy pants cgi and made it 3D and everyone and I mean EVERYONE, bought this thing up like it was the greatest thing since John Crapper invented a device that made it possible to poop indoors. So the powers that be in Hollywood figure if they wind up making a 2 hr crapfest all they need to do is make it 3d and it will sell. Plus ya gotta figure what they charge extra for a 3D ticket will make up for those who stay at home.
So now this disease is spreading. Every probable turd is turning 3D. The lackluster Clash of the Titans Remake? 3D. The way too much time has passed unneeded sequel Men In Black 3? 3D. The very questionable Green Lantern featuring the miscast Ryan Reynolds in the yet unseen all cgi costume (ugh)? 3D. Get the idea?
If that's not enough it was recently reported that Sony is unhappy with the already delayed Green Hornet movie, now claiming that Seth Rogen isn't right for the part (really? Seth Rogen not an ideal action star? that's preposterous) and that the tone of the movie is too campy (It's the damn Green Hornet! The Green Hornet is camp). So if the movie's tone is all wrong and they're not happy with the director nor the star, what happens to said movie?
C'mon, didn't you learn anything today?
Well, how is Sony gonna solve their Green Hornet problems?
Reshoots?
No.
Try to fix it in editing?
Not quite.
Send it straight to DVD?
Oh no, they spent way too much money on it for that.
Give up?
Ok. This might be mind boggling but what they are actually gonna do is take the turd known as The Green Hornet...
and make it...
3D!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! 3D WILL SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS!!!!!!!! IT'LL BE AWESOME!!!!! SETH ROGEN COMIN' RIGHT AT YA!!!!!! WHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
3D is turd camoflage, please avoid at all costs.
But you ask "Isn't 3D a cool way to watch a movie?"
To which I would answer "Well only if it was done well and added to the movie going experience".
Then some oaf would say "Oh, like it did in Avatar?" which would then cause me to kick them in the head for implying that anything involving Avatar was in anyway a good movie going experience.
Avatar is the sole reason for this 3D renaissance and in no way is that a good thing. I'm not going to turn this into a n Avatar review, just simply say that Avatar is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I would have gotten up and walked out on it but even that's hard to do when you've already payed $13 to see the damn movie. In short, the story was crap, the dialogue was crap, the characters were crap, the acting was crap and the so called state of the art 3D imagery was over priced crap.
Anyways, where was I going with this?
Something about Earth Day?
No, nobody really gives a crap about Earth day.
Oh yeah 3D movies. yeah, um...
So Hollywood looks at the polished turd that is Avatar with grat interest because even though there's a saying about a polished turd is still just a turd, that obviously doesn't apply to the world of movies. James Cameron took his turd of a movie polished it up with some fancy pants cgi and made it 3D and everyone and I mean EVERYONE, bought this thing up like it was the greatest thing since John Crapper invented a device that made it possible to poop indoors. So the powers that be in Hollywood figure if they wind up making a 2 hr crapfest all they need to do is make it 3d and it will sell. Plus ya gotta figure what they charge extra for a 3D ticket will make up for those who stay at home.
So now this disease is spreading. Every probable turd is turning 3D. The lackluster Clash of the Titans Remake? 3D. The way too much time has passed unneeded sequel Men In Black 3? 3D. The very questionable Green Lantern featuring the miscast Ryan Reynolds in the yet unseen all cgi costume (ugh)? 3D. Get the idea?
If that's not enough it was recently reported that Sony is unhappy with the already delayed Green Hornet movie, now claiming that Seth Rogen isn't right for the part (really? Seth Rogen not an ideal action star? that's preposterous) and that the tone of the movie is too campy (It's the damn Green Hornet! The Green Hornet is camp). So if the movie's tone is all wrong and they're not happy with the director nor the star, what happens to said movie?
C'mon, didn't you learn anything today?
Well, how is Sony gonna solve their Green Hornet problems?
Reshoots?
No.
Try to fix it in editing?
Not quite.
Send it straight to DVD?
Oh no, they spent way too much money on it for that.
Give up?
Ok. This might be mind boggling but what they are actually gonna do is take the turd known as The Green Hornet...
and make it...
3D!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! 3D WILL SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS!!!!!!!! IT'LL BE AWESOME!!!!! SETH ROGEN COMIN' RIGHT AT YA!!!!!! WHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
3D is turd camoflage, please avoid at all costs.
Who the hell brings Lil' John to the NFL Draft?
Seriously, what's up with the shades? He's not even the one being drafted.
GO GO ROCKET BOOB
The rocket boob at the very least has an element of surprise to it. I mean who would ever think to turn a boob into a destructive missile? Although it is a wonder that it was OK to have boobs of mass destruction, but rocket penis would have been ridiculous.
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